What I Wish I Knew 10 Years Ago About Healing My Heart, Body, And Mind

When I tell you that I have been exploring and trying to "fix" myself for years, I mean it. Imagine having a broken first step and every single time that you walk out of your house you trip over it. You keep trying to repair it but the glue doesn’t hold, the bricks are cracked, the cement doesn’t dry, and you just find yourself in the same position day after day, tush over feet.

That’s sort of what my self-exploration journey has felt like — and I know that most of that is because I was built pessimistically.

But, the other part of it is because I was missing a crucial piece.

RELATED: 10 Easy Ways To Become A Better Version Of Yourself

I finally realized that I should probably work on myself when I found out I had gotten married and had children without my recollection. (OK, I’m kidding. Of course, I was there and even fully consented to these events, but what I mean is I wasn't fully present for them.)

In fact, it turns out I wasn’t really present for the first 30 years of my life.

My memories were pretty non-existent and my masochistic heart was willing to do anything to find the ugly truth behind why I had blocked out an entire lifetime. Show me the nasty!

That’s how my healing and self-growth journey began.

Spoiler alert: it’s a lot of little things that led to my Complex PTSD, causing my disassociation.

There was no big ugly trauma to blame my repression, depression, or lactose intolerance on — let’s normalize compounded stress as traumatic as well.

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